i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
