I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
