FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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