i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Randomize
