it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
