so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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