There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize
