so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
