And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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