the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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