Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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