Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
