I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
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