cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
