the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Ladies don't puke and tell
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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