First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
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the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
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She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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