I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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