I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
