I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
