theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
