my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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