remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
