i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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