i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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