This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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