God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
