My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
