i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
