Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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