The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
