It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
