I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
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She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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