Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
