I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
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I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
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I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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