It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I did not marry a roomba.
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