doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
