I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
