the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
