I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
