His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
