i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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