I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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