maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
