Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
