you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
