Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
