I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
