if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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