last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
