Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
