I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
