his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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