If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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