I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You dont lie about slip and slides
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
