He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
not ubering you a puppy
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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