He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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